Acceptance, "Awareness," and Education

It's World Autism "Awareness" Day, and I want to talk about ableism in education. 

I come from multiple perspectives because I am Autistic, a parent of Autistic children, and a teacher of disabled and nondisabled students. So by trade I am considered a "special ed" teacher, though I dislike that phraseology. I want to talk about my colleagues though, and how "special ed" teachers see themselves and their students.

The unfortunate fact is that many "special ed" teachers see themselves as heroes simply for working with disabled children. They believe their job is to rescue these children from the fate of being disabled, rather than to support and accommodate. I see emails, shirts, initiatives by these teachers, proclaiming need for awareness, or talking of how the children "struggle every day." 

What they do not recognize is that the struggle is caused by lack of accommodation. Kids are told who they are and what they can do, and how they experience the world, is wrong. They are asked to do without accommodations, to learn to not need them. They assume we wish to not be disabled. That being disabled is inherently bad. It's not. Being disabled with appropriate accommodations is ok. It is not lesser.

So our approach is very different. I look for ways to accommodate. They try to fix. If a child does not walk, it is not my job to teach child to walk. It is my job to make sure places we go are wheelchair accessible. 

It causes trauma to these students. Kids clearly communicate, but teacher withholds in order to "teach" them. Kid cries out in pain as they are made to do things their disabled body is not meant to do. 

We need to flip the script. Look for how to support and accommodate needs. Not look for how to make child no longer have needs.

Ocean Music

Crash of waves

Smell and taste of salt

Clams dig themselves to safety again and again. 

One of my favorite stims.

I have always loved the repetitive magic of this.

Waves unearth clams, and the clams dig themselves down again. 

Predictable. Magical. 

The pattern is always the same: unearthing, digging down.

Seemingly inanimate object, but they are not. 

Living beings.

If you watch them, you'll know.

Too many walk past and miss the magic.

Can't see it, feel it, take it in.

My Autistic perspective feels the magic. 

The Devastating Dismantling of the Affordable Care Act

I have been thinking a lot about the Affordable Care Act and am so sad watching it be dismantled. It's a terrifying prospect for so many people. This feels personal for me too, though I want to emphasize that I am one of the lucky ones that is less likely to be dramatically affected by the ripping apart of necessary healthcare, piece by piece. Because currently I can work, and have health insurance through my job, I am not likely to be devastatingly affected like so many of my disabled friends. 

I do want to talk specifically about the pre-existing conditions clause. This has directly affected me and is likely to continue to affect so many disabled people. 

8 years ago, I didn't have a job. I had spent 9 years at home with my own children. Then my husband lost his job and the company he had worked for no longer existed. So we needed to purchase health insurance for our family of 5 through the private sector.

Besides the ridiculously expensive payments, we were hit with another surprise. I was told I was ineligible to purchase health insurance because I had a pre-existing condition. 

The funny thing was that this pre-existing condition was news to me. I had seen a doctor earlier that year for suspected migraines, and that was the pre-existing condition that made me ineligible. 

I want to be clear that I think everyone should be eligible for health insurance. Anything less is a death sentence for people with chronic illness. That is important. 

It was terrifying to hear that I am ineligible for health insurance because my possible migraine could be a possible brain tumor. So the logic was that the person with a possible brain tumor should be without health insurance. 

It kept me from pursuing treatment of migraines. 8 years later, they are still disabling and still untreated. Because it became too scary. 

So now I sit here in what is really a place of privilege. I have health insurance through my employer. My whole family does. So we will be unaffected. 

But I also come at this from a place of being terrified. I recognize that I need mental health care for my other neurodivergences. And yet, that will just be another pre-existing condition. And what happens if my situation changes? 

So I am by far not even close to the terror that this can really be for so many people. And yet, I am close enough to it to recognize how terrifying this is for so many of us. 

And I want to point out that many people supporting this dismantling of the Affordable Care Act claim to be Christians, supporting life and caring for other people. But I am sorry, this simply can't be true. You are supporting killing us. 

Invisible Person

I use this space as a place to map out my thoughts, especially when my feelings are negative and I have unsorted thoughts. So it can be a stream of consciousness,  but it is real, and it helps me sort things out. 

So I am thinking about how I am this invisible person. I've always been invisible, even to people close to me, maybe even especially to people close to me. 

I get it. I'm quiet. I have a hard time interacting with people. If anything makes me even a little uncomfortable, I have an even harder time interacting with people. I don't stand out. I don't have amazing or novel ideas really. I'm certainly not the life of the party.

But what I am is the lynchpin. I quietly hold things together and go mostly unnoticed. Sure I am there if you come looking for me. I'll be there to celebrate with you when you are happy about something. I'll be there to try to help you through it when things go wrong. But it is in a quiet way, steady, slow, silent.

The problem is that while I definitely do not want to be the center of things, I like the background..... I do wanna know people care, that they see me, that they remember I am there, holding things up in the background. Sometimes I feel forgotten. Lost. Because invisible you know. But that doesn't work for me. I need to feel remembered and cared about, or I quietly walk away, because I don't know what else to do. 

Once, as a kid, I had a meltdown, and loudly cried, saying to my family, "you treat me like a speck of dust in the corner." They dismissed this, and laughed about it for years after. But the sentiment holds true today. Back then I was crying out, trying to articulate the same thing I am still trying to articulate today. That I need to be seen. I need to matter. Because even if I am invisible, I am still there, thinking and feeling, and holding things up in the background. 

How to be an ally- (from one marginalized perspective)

I have been thinking a lot about allies and what it means to be an ally. What do we want an ally to do? 

I consider myself an ally for many marginalized groups that I am not a member of. I certainly have considerable privilege. I think the biggest thing is to listen to members of those groups though. See what they think it means for you to be an ally for them. I try to do those in things if/when I am able. And I think it is very ok to not be able to do lots of things for people. It's ok to have limitations. 

Activism can look like using your own platform to amplify marginalized perspectives. It can be as simple as retweeting marginalized voices. I think that is really important. You don't really need to add your own voice. You can simply give them your platform. Because if you are in a position of power, more people respect what you have to say, or what you share, than people respect that marginalized person. Share their Facebook post. Don't add commentary like, "what do you think?" Just share the marginalized perspective. 

Activism can look like listening to marginalized people with an open mind. Be less ready with your reason for why they are wrong. Be more ready to say, "I learn so much from you. Thank you for taking the time to teach me." Don't judge our tone. We are angry for a reason and it may hurt your feelings a bit, but that's ok. It's part of the process. 

Yes communities are wide and diverse and opinions vary. Sometimes it's ok to take a step back and refrain from judgment. I do this a lot. If I am not part of a community, I wait, I listen. But I also think that once a community has spoken, and has a general group consensus, that consensus should be respected and not debated by people outside the community. (It's always ok for people within a community to continue to discuss and evolve.) If a community is not at consensus, it's still not your job to tell that marginalized community member that they are wrong. Their experience and opinion are not wrong.

I hear people all over simply asking to be heard. Listen to us, accept our words as valid. Share our message. That's how you ally. 

As We Grieve~ A Love Letter

The community I love is grieving right now. As a whole, we are angry and hurt and terrified. The reason for this is, of course, the recent American election of Donald Trump. 

We are frightened not only of his policies, but of legitimacy he gives to hateful, bigoted people. I am a disabled queer person who has only embraced my identity in full in the last few years, when it felt safe. Now I face a world that feels immediately less safe overnight. And I know that the world is scarier still for many others. Marginalized people lost Liberty this week. If you think this election is just about "my side lost," then you are too priveliged to feel the real impact. 

But as we grieve, part of what I need to do is to tell my community how much I love you. In a world of hate, I guess I think we need to hear it. I've watched us band together to protest injustice. I've watched us check in on each other and ask if everyone is ok. We offer to help one another, whether that be knitting a cap or making some soup, or talking to each other. 

I love how in this community we are really good at knowing where each other's soft edges are, and caring for those edges. We affirm and reinforce things again and again because it is so desperately needed. We add trigger warnings and content notes to protect each other. We add image descriptions to increase accessibility. I just really love the way we look out for each other. 

So right now I am grieving. I am terrified I am angry that there is enough hate in America that this really could happen. But I am glad I am not facing that alone. Disabled people and other marginalized people are supporting each other through this, and for that I am grateful. 

Thoughts on trigger warnings, media, and abuse

CN: sexual abuse and childhood sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse

I have had these thoughts for a while, and I have been in too dark of a place to write about it. It is hard for me to write about, both because it stirs up bad memories that I would rather dissociate from, as well as because I am having a hard time with people that are mostly on my side. 

CN: childhood sexual abuse, abuse

So first I will tell you my story. I don't remember most of my childhood. What I do remember of my p*rents involves a lot of emotional abuse and some physical abuse, as well as some questionable sexual abuse. Then in August I remembered more things, about other people sexually abusing me. I was grabbed in private areas by a family member and then gaslit when he pretended nothing happened. I remember once directly confronting and him directly saying nothing happened. There were other times I said nothing and neither did anyone else say anything.

My brain forgot those things. On purpose. Because I needed to forget. I only remembered *some* of my experiences when it became vital that I remember. 

Then Donald Trump came along and he said awful things because he is a despicable person. I am referring to the Access Hollywood interview here. So.... The thing is yes, he needs to be called out. Of course what he said was not ok! But throwing his words in my face and the faces of those with similar experiences, is also not ok.

I see memes talking about "pussy grabs back." I see political ads that remind us of his words. And the thing is, the people you are defending, you are harming us more. Because it is everywhere, without warning. And this is far too raw for me right now to just be ok with this. 

So yes, vote against this creep! Yes, call out his actions! But add a trigger warning. Remember the people you are defending before posting.